What is Self-Abandonment? A Personal Story
Self-abandonment can be described as the practice of abandoning, shrinking, leaving, dishonoring or disrespecting parts of ourselves. By parts of ourselves I mean: our time, our bodies, our beliefs, our intuition — any part of our self.
Self-abandonment is my body is a sensation that feels heavy at the pit of the stomach and a closing of my throat chakra, even making it difficult to talk about it. I made a video on this topic earlier and I struggled to make the words come out. This is, in part, how self-abandonment feels in my body—the shrinking of my abilities as I am flooded with a memory.
The Body Keeps the Score is a famous book in healing circles by psychiatrist and author Bessel van der Kolk. My body, as all of our bodies, keep the score of important events in our lives.
I certainly kept the score of an event that occurred at the age of eighteen. I was in college, living with roommates, and just living that “college life.” One day, I had an intimate, exploratory encounter with someone; it was not sexual abuse, but it was also not pleasant nor pleasurable. I clearly remember not wanting to be there. My body did not want to be there. Yet, I did not leave. I did not listen to a part of MY self at that moment. Many years later, my body still remembered that I had a moment of self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment comes in many shapes and sizes. Big and small moments.
Self-abandonment is the bodily sensation that tells you that something is a No, yet you don’t stop to honor that No.
Self-abandonment is the inner knowing that something is not in your highest good, yet you go ahead and dishonor one of your values.
Self-abandonment can look like a marriage you did not want to be in.
Self-abandonment can look like downplaying your skills just to be liked or accepted.
The beauty of becoming aware of your moments of self-abandonment is that now you can give compassion to the shrunken or abandoned parts of yourself. You can now act from a place of honoring a No when your body says No. And you can work towards telling your story without shame or guilt.
